Gretchen Pacheco's blog

HN MY BFF

Gretchen Pacheco — Thu, 15 May 2008 10:18:00 -0500

HN MY BFF

Recently I traveled 280 miles to go to a concert. One of my favorite bands, Hawk Nelson, was playing, so we purchased tickets and prepared for our road trip. On a side note, if you’ve been on a retreat with the REAP team in the last couple of years, chances are you’ve heard us playing them. You can check out their music at www.hawknelson.com

Their music rocks and requires you to jump around and I totally love it! (Yes there was crowd surfing and moshing, although not by me-at least not the crowd surfing part) They also have some songs that are a little more mellow and some that can really pull at your heart. I’ve listened to most of their songs hundreds of times (um, that’s what you do with your favorite bands!) During the concert though, I had a unique experience. They played one of my favorite songs, “Everything That You Ever Wanted” and I felt it. You know how you sometimes feel something when you hear a song? Well, I had heard the song, seriously, hundreds of times but this time was different. I had tears welling up in my eyes and I felt some heaviness in my heart, especially when I heard:

I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you

You can read all the lyrics at the end of this post, but it’s about divorce and how people sometimes feel. I identify with all of it, but on this night, this part in particular grabbed hold of me. My parents split when I was 8. I was always trying to be good, no, check that, not just good, the best, perfect. I got good grades, I played sports, I was in drama, editor of the school paper as a junior, the list goes on and on. I don’t recall making a conscious decision to do all these things, but I know now I was influenced by the need to prove myself. I felt that if I was just good enough then people would love me, my dad would love me.

It took me a long time to realize that my dad loved me the best he could. It was less than I needed, less than I deserved, but due to his alcoholism and other factors, it was all he had. It took even longer for me to realize that I had nothing to prove, that I didn’t need to do or be anything in order to be worthy of love because I’m not the one who makes me worthy. God is. God says I’m worthy even when I don’t act like it, even when I make mistakes and screw up.

I forgave my father long ago for the ways he hurt me. I forgave God for not protecting me from the pain I experienced. I’ve opened my life and heart to God’s healing love and the benefits are amazing. I experienced that this past weekend during the concert. I said I felt some heaviness in my heart when I heard the song, and that still happens to me from time to time. Big hurts can be like that. When that happens I have some choices, I can throw a pity party and get angry, I can brush it off and say it’s no big deal or I can say yeah, that sucks, and yes, I forgive you, again.

Hurt and disappointment are a part of life and there’s really nothing we can do about it. The only choices we have are in how we deal with it. I love what Maya Angelou said about healing past hurts, "We cannot change the past, but we can change our attitude toward it. Uproot guilt and plant forgiveness. Tear out arrogance and seed humility. Exchange love for hate —- thereby, making the present comfortable and the future promising." Isn’t that all any of us really need, a life filled with love, a comfortable present and a promising future.

As promised, lyrics to Hawk Nelson’s “Everything That You Ever Wanted” enjoy!

"Everything That You Ever Wanted"

I walk the line
Leave it all behind
I've been waiting forever
Lets go back in time
When I could read your mind
Still I've been waiting

It took the seasons going by
To know it’s not my fault

I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you

Its been so long
Since you've been home
I used to wait up forever
I used to say a prayer
Wishing you were there
And I'm still waiting

You told me once
You'd show up
But I fell for that
Before I fell to pieces
Then I woke up
To no one,
Just a picture of Jesus
And a house left in pieces

It took the seasons going by
To know it’s not my fault

I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you

I wanted you
I need you
I want to believe you
I wanted you
I need you
I want to believe you

I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
tried to be everything but you

I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you

Wolf Spiders

Gretchen Pacheco — Wed, 19 Mar 2008 14:32:48 -0500

My nephew, Dominick, is currently obsessed with wolf spiders. Not too long ago he was all about anteaters and velociraptors and I’m sure it won’t be long until he moves on to some other member of the animal kingdom, but for now all he wants to know is everything about wolf spiders. We were in the car and the questions began. How big are wolf spiders? Where do they live? Do they eat people? Have you ever seen one?

The last question is the one that started a great conversation. I told him that I had seen one as a kid at my grandma’s house. We talked about where –behind the wood burning stove and what happened to it- grandpa took it outside. He asked how big it was – I told him it was the size of our dog! After his eyes popped out of his head and he had totally freaked out, I said I was kidding, it was about the size of grandpa’s hand.

I was thinking he might be concerned about going to grandma’s house (thankfully she is still with us) and getting attacked by a wolf spider, so I let him know that it was at her old house in Arizona. I talked about how his mom, uncle and I were little kids then. To this Dominick replied “yeah, and I was in God’s hands”.

Dominick didn’t say anything about being in his mommy’s tummy or it being before he was born, he simply stated the fact that he was with God. Dominick is 5 and he knows exactly where he came from.

Do you?

The Full Impact

Gretchen Pacheco — Wed, 11 Jul 2007 15:46:45 -0500

I’ve just finished a week of sleeping on the floor with 159 other young women (yes, I absolutely count myself as a young woman) during a week-long service project and now it’s time to start thinking about spending 20+ hours on a bus, each way, in possibly snowy, sleety weather. While the pro-life march is still six long months away, the time to plan is short.

I have to admit that every year when I am on the way back from D.C. (or shortly after arriving home), I decide to never make that trip again. My brain and body are still recovering from long hours on the bus and short hours in the hotel room. I tell myself I’ll find an adult from our core team to go or that I’ll go, but that next year I’m definitely flying or…some other hazily thought out plan.

It’s not that the fight for life isn’t a worthy one or that I don’t love seeing so many people called together by God. It’s just that I like my warm house and comfortable bed. Here’s the thing though - isn’t the journey part of the process, part of the offering? It’s not just that people gather in our nation’s capitol to demand changes to the law, but it’s also that they travel so far to get there, and that they give up so much of their time. Adults take time off work, as do many teens. Students miss school, often doing homework while we travel or staying up late the day we get back to finish. There’s also the financial sacrifice; these trips aren’t free.

It’s not just trips like the pro-life march that witness as much by the action as the journey, it’s also mission/service retreats. If you’ve ever been part of Project Life, Christpower, Catholic Heart Work Camps or another week-long service project, you know what I’m talking about. People are appreciative of the work you do, but their amazement grows when they find out that you are sleeping on the floor in a gym, in some places without air-conditioning, not to mention that you have given up t.v., internet, and video games! They are also impressed that so many teens would give of their time for a whole week!

It’s the entire package that makes the full impact. I was reminded of this today as I cleaned off my desk (a monumental task) and came across a disk with pictures from the Pro-Life March. They were filled with smiling faces, prayerful hearts and people who love Jesus enough to follow Him. It reminded me that my sacrifice, and all of our sacrifices, are all part of the full offering. While what we go through is nothing compared to what Jesus gave for us, His example to us is a full one. It doesn’t begin and end with Jesus on the cross but includes the events before and after his crucifixion, some painful and some joyous. The challenge is to embrace the fullness of the pilgrimage experience, the fun, the tedious, the uncomfortable and even the annoying. So as I begin planning for the March for Life I am going to challenge myself to welcome even the parts I don’t like because they are part of the complete journey. This is what Jesus teaches us through his life, death and resurrection. It’s the entire package that makes the full impact.