Heather Gallagher Vento's blog

Was it worth the wait?

Heather Gallagher Vento — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 16:10:33 -0500

Since I’m fairly open about my choice for chastity and my lifetime of good and bad decisions regarding romance, many people know that I made a decision to save myself for marriage. Yes, shockingly, I was a 31-year-old virgin on the day of my wedding. So, after the wedding, even the morning after, I got a few strange looks from friends and family who wondered, and some dared to ask, “Was it worth the wait?” Simply put…ABSOLUTELY. It was better than I ever could have imagined. Let me explain why.

No Details

I’m sorry to disappoint the curious folk, but I won’t shed any details about what happened between Michael and me once we got back home on our wedding night (yep, we shared our first night in our home). That is a treasured memory for Michael and me alone to savor, and we will…for the rest of our lives. However, I will give you some background and blog-appropriate information that might help you understand why every day, hour, minute and second of my single years, waiting for Michael, was incredibly worth it!

No Other Dance

I love to dance and have done it quite a bit in my life, from dance classes, hundreds of dance team practices, swing dancing and randomly jiving around my house. But, no other dance can even begin to compare with the most amazing dance of my life. For both Michael and me, the best dance ever happened the night of our wedding, at the reception. It wasn’t our first dance actually…it was our last. We decided to leave the reception after one last dance together to a special song by an oldies group, The Drifters, entitled, “Save the Last Dance for Me.” Here are some of the lyrics.

Oh, I know, That the music's fine like sparkling wine go and have your fun
Laugh and sing, but while we're apart don't give your heart to anyone
But don't forget who's taking you home, and in whose arms you're gonna be
So darlin', save the last dance for me.

To me, this song had a deeper meaning than just saving a last dance, if you get my drift. This song helped me wait for my husband long before I met Michael, as I tried to keep in mind that someone will be taking me home one night and in his arms I’m gonna be. The song often brought me to tears in my 20’s as I continued to wait for those arms and the man who wanted my last “dance”. At the reception, once Michael and I started dancing to this song, he said to me, “This is your dream. This is my dream…now coming to fulfillment.” Tears immediately streamed down both of our faces as we realized the magnitude of the moment, the day, the incredible gift. No other dance could compare to what we experienced. This just gives you a little glimpse of what was to come as the night progressed!

No Disappointment

What made our wedding day and wedding night so profound for us both was the knowledge of what it meant to say our vows on the alter and then give them flesh in our bedroom. The Church teaches, and we fully believe, that sex is meant to be a total gift of self, holding nothing back and free from fear of abandonment, heartache, gossip, being used, ghosts, comparisons. We are certainly not perfect, but we tried to fully embrace what it meant to be a total gift to another. What made the wedding night and honeymoon so amazing for me is not that I received Michael’s body, but that I received Michael Vento entirely: body, heart, mind and soul. What makes me giddy and excited about our marriage is not that we can “just do it” physically. I love our marriage and intimacy because I get to experience Michael himself and I get to be a gift to him as well. This is where the act becomes so powerful and amazing. I believe I have the most loving, sacrificial, intelligent, attractive, affectionate man on the planet. I get to experience all of who he is in our marriage. And, there is absolutely no disappointment in that!

No Way

Michael and I both have zero regrets about our choice for living chastity, but we would be liars if we gave you the impression that we accomplished living chastity perfectly or by our own strength. We are still striving to live chastely as married people – to be a total gift to one another by not using each other or to not think of others with lustful thoughts. And, we were striving before we married as well. Let me share with you the two things that most helped us live it the best that we could…Theology of the Body and God’s grace.

Individually, and as a couple, we learned so much about sex, love and marriage through John Paul’s teaching on Theology of the Body. There is no way we would be experiencing the intimacy and power of married life like we are now without a thorough understanding of the Church’s teaching on sex. We both knew about chastity, but Theology of the Body takes sexuality to a whole new level and allowed both of us to get excited about marriage years before we met.

We also are reaping the rewards of chastity because God is merciful and abounding in grace. Through frequently receiving the sacraments of Reconciliation and the Eucharist, as well as through our own prayer life, God gave us daily strength and perseverance. We are both weak sinners and fools and can only thank God when we look at all the amazing things we experience in our relationship. If we tried to live this lifestyle on our own, we both know that we’d fail. But, God gave us the Holy Spirit and His Son Jesus – for which we are eternally grateful.

So, yes, striving to live chastity for all these years, saving ourselves for one another, was absolutely worth it! God’s plan is so far above our best-laid intentions and dreams. I cannot wait to see what else He has in store for me because I have learned that there is no disappointment when we give ourselves to God.

To learn more about Theology of the Body, check out Christopher West’s website.

Porn and a Sword Exposed

Heather Gallagher Vento — Thu, 12 Jul 2007 10:35:56 -0500

True Story: A man heard sounds of rape (not pleasure, but RAPE) coming from the apartment above him. To save the woman, he grabbed his sword, a gift from his military father, and barged into the apartment upstairs. He later found out that that a live rape was not happening, "only" pornography being played too loud. The man was sent to jail for trespassing and had to pay a bond of $5000. The news story.

Although I can understand some of the humor in this man's mistake, I am more struck by the truth that most people have ignored in the situation.

In our twisted world, this is what one gets for trying to defend the honor of women - jail. Although the rescuer has been endlessly mocked for his actions, I wonder if the woman in the porn video needs some rescuing herself. Do you really think it is all fun and games for the women who endure hours of literal pain? Isthe real crime not in attempting a rescue but instead in what is happening to the woman on the screen?

Former porn star, Shelley Luebben, talks clearly on her website about the effects of porn on the women involved - it's frightening what they willingly (and often unwillingly) suffer through for our kicks. Among other things, consider that most porn stars…

must be drunk or high to get through filming
sometimes do not get paid once shooting is finished
are not always "protected"
have sexually transmitted diseases
vomit frequently to keep down weight and out of disgust from previous scenes
have experienced one or more off-screen rapes
are on medications for depression (this is extremely common)
have histories of sexual abuse as children or dysfunctional families
consider, if not attempt and succeed at, suicide (there are staggering statistics on the suicide rate among porn stars)

When love for and honor of women, attributes of true heroes, are mocked and abuse toward women is celebrated lavishly, can we finally admit that an enormous problem exists? Americans often criticize some Middle-Eastern and third-world cultures for abuse toward women but then turn a blind eye to what we promote in our own country. Most women in the industry willingly choose to be a porn star like they choose to be a prostitute, but instead of outlawing this sale of sex, most Americans praise it.

The rescuing man with the sword could have kept his sword behind closed doors and we can keep the truth about porn behind closed doors as well - the billionaire pornographers would be very grateful for our silence. But, I beg of you, as I challenge myself as well, to break through the fantasy and expose the reality of porn. Talk to your teens about what happens "behind the scenes", email this blog or Shelley's website to friends who struggle with porn or who just do not get it. Pray passionately for transformation of viewer's hearts, conversion of any culture that demands for the abuse of women with billions of dollars and freedom for the women we call porn stars. This abuse will not end until we pick up our swords, willing to face ridicule and suffering, to show that women deserve better.

A Related Blog: Save a Horse?

American "Idol Gives Back" Funds Abortions

Heather Gallagher Vento — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 13:50:31 -0500

Before you make a phone call tonight to donate to "Idol Gives Back", you should know that some of your money will fund organizations that support abortions as a means of "helping the children".

Below is the email message I sent to those involved in making decisions on this project. I admire their desire to help children, but simply hope they will change the organizations they support this year or in future years.

For those coordinating the "Idol Gives Back" program and gift:

As an American Idol fan, I am extremely disappointed to know that two of the organizations benefiting from "Idol Gives Back" do not truly help children, but in fact kill the most vulnerable and weak, through abortion. Aren't the helpless exactly who you are trying to aid?

I will no longer support American Idol in any way if you follow through with giving to UNICEF and Save the Children. As a public speaker to about 10,000 teens each year for the Catholic Church, I will also make public your efforts to support the destruction of weak children. The voiceless and vulnerable are those most in need of our aid and we will not be quiet as long as the mass killing of third-world babies continues.

Please look into supporting other organizations that truly help all the children in their care. Please avoid supporting groups that kill some children in their efforts to help other children. Is any one life more valuable or worth rescuing than another?

Lastly, years ago Target supported abortion providers until a public out-cry put a damper in their sales. They wisely switched to promoting other charities, striving to help all people, and have seen many customers return. American Idol has been a clean, family-safe program and has an outstanding reputation across this country. Your efforts to give back could take your program to the next level. But, instead, with a nation more pro-life than pro-abortion, I envision a decision to support UNICEF and Save the Children will severely damage your reputation and following, even after this charitable effort concludes.

Peace,
Heather Gallagher

*If you'd like to send a similar message, feel free to email it to the following:

jasmine.borhan@bertelsmann.de, gunter.thielen@bertelsmann.de, gerhard.zeiler@rtlgroup.com, oliver.herrgesell@rtlgroup.com, tony.cohen@fremantlemedia.com, lynne-mei.lee@fremantlemedia.com, idolgivesback@fox.com

Even if it's after the event, your email could show your disappointment with Idol and could affect their decision-making for the next time they do such a project.

For more on the connection UNICEF and Save the Children have with abortion: http://www.truthtv.org/newstext.asp?newsid=3443

*2008 Update: Although Idol seems to no longer support UNICEF, according to the website, they continue to support Save the Children and now The Global Fund, a different organization who also believes the cure for AIDS is in killing, through abortion.

Save a Horse?

Heather Gallagher Vento — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 12:15:23 -0500

For those of you who love the song, “Save a horse (ride a cowboy),” forgive me. Although it has a catchy tune, I have some concerns about this song.

With the title, “Save a horse”, you’d think the artist cares about horses. Actually, shockingly, the song has nothing to do with saving horses, nor does it mention how not riding a horse is actually better for horses. In fact, in the video, the two artists are riding horses. Hummm. So, the title is a lie – the artist does not “give a dang” about saving horses. The song is solely about riding a cowboy - a strong sexual reference. Interestingly, the lyrics continue by adding that he doesn't "give a dang about nothing I’m singing and bling-blinging.” He doesn’t “give a dang.” In there, the honesty lies.

Story time…
I’ll never forget a float trip I took with my extended family a few years ago. While getting on the bus at the end of the river trip, I had to sit next to a young man – probably around my age at the time. But, as I approached his seat, I noticed him yelling out the window to the bikini-topped women waiting for buses saying, “take it off, shake it, woman!” What joy – I got to sit next to him!

Well, the spirit within me was so violated by his continuous chant that as I asked him if I could sit next him, and he happily approved, my heart was racing with fury. His attention now on me, I turned to him and said, “I’ll sit here, but if you talk to or look at me the way you just did to those women, I will slap you.” Okay, so I’m not a violent woman and I wouldn’t have slapped the guy, but I am an extrovert and what came out of my mouth simply reflected the anger inside.

Shockingly, this man got a little defensive, talking about how he knew those girls and it was harmless. Although I could tell he was intoxicated, I was still searching for some logic to come from this seemingly intelligent man. I mentioned to him that my younger female cousin, who observed his behavior, is of an impressionable age. I said something like, “Girls grow up seeking love and attention. From what you just did, she’s learning from you and many others in the world that she’ll get all the attention she can handle through having a tight body, wearing a skimpy bikini and maybe even shaking a little. This type of behavior objectifies women – they are objects for you to yell at or about, to look at, to use and then to discard when the fun is over. For any girls you yell at, do you give a ‘dang’ about their emotional or relational health or future? Do you even care what the other girls watching are feeling or thinking about themselves as you do this? No, you care only about their bodies for your own kicks. The clear objectification of women in the world is what leads to eating disorders, porn, rape and domestic violence – they are all linked to the idea that women can be used and abused for your pleasure.”

Militant Heather! You heard it here; I’ll admit I went ballistic on this guy. If I had not just spent the previous five hours baking in the summer sun, maybe I wouldn’t have been so nasty. But, there it was. I said it and he sat in shock. To break some tension, we chatted a little more. He told me he went to church and that he’s a good guy. More politely, I challenged him on that premise and finally, after all my challenges, he just admitted…“I guess I really just don’t care.” I had nothing more to say. So we talked about his job as an underwater bridge builder (very interesting, by the way) and moved along to our own campsites when the ride concluded.

The song, “Save a horse (ride a cowboy)”, reminds me of the float trip because, even though my confrontation style was far less than ideal, some spark within me (the Holy Spirit) gave me the courage to stand up for women. So few men (or women) seem to stand up for women in the media these days. They may stand up for the “love of their life” that they’re trying to impress in songs or movies, but that’s about it. Who fights to save women – the ones considered pretty, the ones who feel ugly, the zit-ful, overweight, or insecure?

On a related note, who fights to save the power of sex in pop culture? It’s not Nelly. He’s admitted, when it comes to sex, “you have to try to not get your feelings involved” (CPYU). Sex has become cold, heartless, emotionally empty and bankrupt. It’s physical and that’s it – a norm in the media world that we all watch and often unconsciously buy into.

If pop culture has its way, women will also be cold, heartless, unemotional. Don’t the songs prefer women who can dance around or sleep with numerous men without getting “clingy” (emotional) or complicated? Isn’t friends with benefits so exciting – only physical actions while shutting down and denying the heart? Even the video of “Save a horse” showed a glimpse of this with a mannequin of a girl sitting with the guy – empty inside, just a body. Funny how truth can be found amidst the confusion!

Women are even jumping on board. In the Jann Arden song, “Insensitive”, she asks the guy who coldly dumped her, “Maybe you have some advice to give on how to be insensitive.” Women can use, abuse and be cold, too, you know! “Sex in the City” characters often jump in and out of bed without too many feelings. And, they ask insightful questions in that show, but never find answers. “Why does this feel weird? Is there anything more? Is it good to care so little after sex?”

Who will save sex? Who will save women? Who will say, “Yes, there’s a heck of a lot more that our culture is completely missing out on!”? “There’s a depth, mystery and power to both sex and women and that is being stolen and sold for momentary pleasure.” Who will finally “give a dang”? Will you? Will I?

At the gym last week, a guy was wearing a shirt saying, “Come on, baby, mount me” (or something to the effect). Without the scorn I had on the float trip, I wanted to approach the guy and just politely tell him how that shirt makes me feel and how it affects women as a whole. I didn’t, but, in retrospect, I wish I had.

Related Blog: Porn and a sword exposed

Are you the exception?

Heather Gallagher Vento — Thu, 01 Feb 2007 17:03:42 -0500

Today, I endured a lovely noise and laying still for about 30 minutes…buzz, buzz, buzzzzzzzz (you get the picture). It was so loud in my ears that I had to wear ear plugs. Then, I was charged $366.00 just for that! Ever had an MRI? I don’t even know what MRI stands for, but I had one today. They put you in a long tube and you must not move at all. Not a morning of fun. And the surgery to correct my knee will not only cost much more, but will also require a 4-week recovery. But, it’s my own fault. I have no one else to blame but myself.

In high school, our pom pon squad thought it would be cool if we did this fun move where we got really high on our toes and then dropped directly down to the floor, on our knees, fast. Boom. I still remember the sound of all these knees pounding down on the gym floor. Wow – and it looked amazing. You could hear the audience go “ahhh” (or was it “ouch”, I can’t remember). The move was illegal in Missouri because, I think, it might cause knee problems in the future. We knew this was a possibility, but the move was so cool. It was worth it! Or was it? We thought, at the time, even though the move was illegal and our sponsor wasn’t crazy about us doing it, that we were the exception to the rule. “We are Pattonville. We’re invincible. We can do whatever we want.” It was a momentary thrill and any potential consequences would come much later in life. “And, besides, we don’t need our knees when we’re old, right?”

Ah, the exception to the rule – don’t we all see ourselves in that category at some time or another? The consequences don’t apply to me. Or, if consequences come, I’ll handle them just fine. Little do we know what 10, 20 or 30 years down the line will bring. As a bride-to-be wanting to be healthy for my wedding and for, hopefully, child-bearing, let me just say that you need your knees when you’re old. I can’t workout, I can’t wear many shoes (the cute ones of course) because they don’t have enough support and I can’t even walk steps when it’s cold or I’ve walked too much. There are very clear consequences when we abuse the gifts God has given us (like our knees) – simple biology, cause and effect, seems to be logical. But, how do you tell a bright-eyed 17-year-old pommie that she can’t do the coolest move in the routine?

There’s a chastity lesson here. This is not shocking, of course, because I can find a chastity message in just about anything. I guess I spend my whole life talking to bright-eyed teens who believe they are the exception to the rule when it comes to the Church’s teaching on sexuality. “I’m really in love and care for this girl.” “It broke us up and crushed me, but I’d do it all over again. No regrets.” “I’ll be able to live chastity in marriage, be faithful, even if I don’t live it now – I’m stronger than most.” “We can mess around and not go ‘too far’.”

With teens, I try to convince them that the pain which follows pre-marital sexual activity will make them look back one day and say, “What a fool I was!” I hear one adult after another (and many teens, too) look back on their sexual past with disdain, always wanting teens to know – it’s not worth it to sexually active before marriage. As frustrated as I might get at the many teens who blow off all our clear, and I believe logical, warnings and the call we offer for a better life, I need to remember how it felt when I was invincible.

In fact, I can fall into believing I’m the exception to the rule even to this day…

I don’t need to pray as much as they say, Jesus and I are okay.
I don’t need to slow down on eating all these goodies, I’m still young.
I don’t need to stop watching all those movies; I’m beyond being affected by their immorality.

The cause and effect principle works both ways – for ill when we make poor decisions, and for good with good decisions. The gifts we’ve been given all have a positive consequence for our lives when used appropriately, within the bounds for which they were created. Knees help us walk, sex gives us bonding in marriage and babies, prayer connects us the Creator and Love of the Universe, healthy food lets me play with my grandkids and watching good entertainment keeps my thoughts pure and loving. When I trust in the ways God created my body, heart, mind and soul to work, my life just runs a lot smoother.

In what ways might you consider yourself the “exception”?

Is Heather getting married?

Heather Gallagher Vento — Wed, 20 Dec 2006 16:00:39 -0500

I love Q & A sessions on retreats because teens tend to ask the most random questions. Recently, an 8th grader asked if I was getting married. That day I had to respond, “I hope so.” But, today, as an officially engaged woman, I could answer that question by saying, “Why, yes I am! Thanks for asking.”

On the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe, my boyfriend of one year, Michael Vento, asked me to be his bride.

The Day Really Matters
One year ago, on Dec. 12, 2005, I was visiting the Sisters of Life in New York City. Although I never felt much called to religious life, I certainly thought it was beautiful and wanted to give it a chance. I stayed with the amazing Sisters of Life for four days – long enough to begin to get a taste of their community. And, I honestly adore each of them and their beautiful lifestyle. Over the long weekend, we celebrated the miracle of Our Lady of Guadalupe and I fell in love with this historic event.

On my last day with the Sisters of Life, I had a great deal of quiet prayer time, which I needed, anticipating that God’s call would be difficult to hear. Since it was the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe, I asked her to intercede for me – to pray that God would speak clearly to me. And, He did! He answered me through prayer, Scripture, and a book called And You are Christ’s (amazing for vocational discernment!). I journaled and had spiritual direction with the vocation director of the community. Every part of the day confirmed what he was saying to me in quiet prayer. He not only made it clear to me that I wasn’t called to religious life, but He also made it clear to me that I was called to the vocation of marriage. Deep in my heart and soul, I knew it was His voice and His peace calling me, after years of discernment, His nudges toward marriage and waiting.

Four days later, Michael and I went out for the first time. How about God’s timing?

The Proposal
So, on December 12, 2006, Michael and I went to evening Mass to celebrate the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe. Then, he took me to Lo Russo’s Italian Restaurant in St. Louis Hills (being Italian – Sicilian actually – he knows where to find the best pasta). Lastly, we went to the small Adoration chapel at St. Justin the Martyr. There was no one inside except Jesus in the tabernacle. Then I saw a huge picture of Our Lady of Guadalupe with a dozen red roses underneath. The roses appropriately should be under Our Lady, as that was her gift to Juan Diego and the Bishop. However, these roses were Michael’s gift to me. And, there in the presence of Jesus, he proposed…and, I said yes! We hope to be married on Saturday, September 1, 2007.

Worth the Wait
As a 30-year-old living chastity, I want to remind you that it’s all worth the wait. I often ask teens, “Who wants to be an incredible lover?” Then, I inform them that chastity is the virtue that transforms our sexual desires into pure love, nothing less than a total gift – making you a great lover and gift to friends, family and everyone you know. My fiancé is an example of an incredible lover. In living chastity for years, Michael really knows how to love, sacrifice and give abundantly. I feel like the most blessed woman in the world to be able to marry this amazing man of God – overflowing with God’s love. I pray that through our relationship with Jesus we may continue to grow in love, sacrifice and service to each other and our children for the rest of our lives.

More than Meets the Eye
In the story of Our Lady of Guadalupe, we discover so much more than roses and a picture, when we look deeper. With my relationship with Michael, I feel there’s so much more to discover as we gaze deeper upon Christ and upon each other especially with His eyes. Michael is less chatty than me. He prefers hockey and soccer, whereas I adore football and basketball. Michael likes a quiet night at home while I want to go out to a party. I never imagined that I’d fall in love with someone different than me. But, I must admit that I love it! He slows me down, helps me focus on what’s important, shows me how to listen and teaches about power plays and penalty kicks.

We complement each other while also sharing a lot in common… the same foundation – our crazy love of Jesus and the Church, Lord of the Rings, the card game nertz and much more. It's a sweet blend of enjoying so much of the same already, but also needing and seeking the other to grow and be challenged. We experience this complementarity in addition to the fun, natural ways we find ourselves blending as a man and woman. Blessed Teresa of Calcutta best described what Michael and I are just starting to enjoy, "A woman's love is one image of the love of God, and a man's love is another image of God's love. Both are created to love, but each in a different way. Woman and man complete each other, and together show forth God's love more fully than either can do it alone."

If you’re like I used to be, waiting for your vocation, just keep trusting in Jesus. I have no great words of wisdom right now. I just have my story to offer, which, I pray, will serve as a sign of hope for anyone who questions God’s amazing love and plan. My dear friend Jen recently joined the Nashville Dominicans and she is also beaming and glowing to be in God’s plan, where He wants to fulfill her and ultimately lead her to Heaven. No matter where or when you’re called vocationally, God has prepared something amazing for you both now and in the future. So, keep the faith - there's more to God’s plan for your life than meets the eye, always more than you can even imagine!

Captain D's

Heather Gallagher Vento — Mon, 18 Sep 2006 15:07:56 -0500

This past spring, while my boyfriend Michael and I were leaving a baseball game, my dad took Michael aside to let him in on a secret for impressing women (me, I pray). He didn't encourage Michael to spend lavish amounts of money on me, but he suggested that Michael take me to Captain D's. To my astonishment, my dad was beaming over a rarely mentioned or celebrated fast food restaurant. Something seems wrong with this picture. But, my dad and the Mrs. (my mom) had been visiting this eatery for a while and are specifically impressed by their Lighter Fare menu.

I tell you this story not to advertise for Captain D's but because it warms my heart every time someone mentions Captain D's around my dad - his eyes literally light up. He is so excited about the healthy, delicious and inexpensive meals found at a fairly inconspicuous establishment in St. Louis (only a few locations in the area). It's like when you find the perfect hotel on a vacation - unknown yet clean, comfortable, beautiful view, close the beach and affordable. Or, when you find the right person for marriage or just the best ice cream on the market. What a find!

My dad's response to Captain D's reminds me of our call to be child-like. Jesus said, "Whoever then humbles himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:4) I believe one aspect of being humble and child-like is being in awe of God's creation - whether that be in nature, relationships, experiences or just the ingenuity of other humans. Think of all the things that thrill little kids. My friend's nephew loves to shop so much so that every time they pull into the grocery store parking lot, he throws his arms in the air and yells, "Excited!" There's a pure joy that comes when we get delighted by simple things in life. We're not big and tough - a challenge to be impressed - we're just overflowing with joy and gratitude for the many gifts, big and small, we experience here on earth. I think those gifts are a taste of Heaven while we wait and yearn for it on earth.

"For God so loved the world…" he came to save it. Do I love the many gifts he sends to the world - in their various forms? Do I see the hand of God and become marveled in little, seemingly insignificant things? Do my eyes still twinkle? Can you see the light of Christ through my joy, gratitude, and humility? I know have a lot to work on, but I want to be more like my dad, more child-like in my awe and wonder of God's many blessings.

Dedicated to the most amazing dad God could have given me and to my friend, Jeff, who encouraged me to write this blog.

CYC & Sacred Soccer

Heather Gallagher Vento — Fri, 11 Aug 2006 09:53:26 -0500

Upon further reflection, I wanted to follow up on my most recent blog “Sacred Soccer”.

I realized what an honor it is to work in an office, the Catholic Youth Apostolate which includes the CYC, Catholic Scouting, Youth Ministry and REAP, that upholds the ideal of faith and God always coming first. Often, people lump all sporting groups together with CYC, but there needs to be a clear distinction between parish sports and select sports. In every parish, the CYC does everything to ensure that both it’s practices and games do not interfere with faith opportunities. For example, at a recent parish mission, all practices were cancelled for the week to make it possible for families to attend this faith-filled experience.

How blessed we are that in our Archdiocese, even through the policies of the CYC, we do know what we worship, what is most important. As my blog stresses, the responsibility of discouraging a worship of sports instead of a healthy activity lays on the shoulders of the adults in the community, especially parents. With sports being such a valuable part of so many kids’ lives, it’s especially important that parents strive to have the same mentality of the CYC. Thanks to the CYC office for striving so hard to articulate what separates Catholic sports from so many other programs…Jesus Christ as Lord.

Sacred Soccer

Heather Gallagher Vento — Tue, 27 Jun 2006 15:55:25 -0500

Our last retreat this year ended on a sour note. As we were wrapping up our closing announcements only 2 minutes after 2 p.m. (the scheduled time to finish), two moms rushed into the room to drag their boys out. I asked if they could wait just three more minutes so the young men could hear the rest of the announcements and pick up some free stuff. One mom replied, “Oh no, he has baseball practice down the road in fifteen minutes. No way, he has to leave now!”

Now, I want to admit right here that on our retreats we really try to start on time and end on time. Our retreat schedules are meticulously planned out, to the minute, and as professionals we need to do our best not to keep people waiting. However, anyone knows that things can happen which can cause minor glitches in the most well-planned events, making them start late or go slightly longer than planned.

Overtime
For example, I have attended countless sporting events, amateur and professional, that went into overtime. And, when this happens, I typically do not complain. In fact, I love it. My parents instilled in me the importance of sticking with your team at critical moments. But overtime doesn’t just apply to sporting games; even practices go overtime. When preparing for Nationals, my pom pon practices would often extend a few minutes overtime, even after five or seven hour practices, but I somehow always found the time to stay. And, my parents did not complain about the long practices because they understood that dedication to the team was important.

So, why is it that our faith cuts into our sports time, but sports – even long sporting events – don’t seem to “cut” into our faith experience? Have you ever seen a frantic parent pull their kid out of a sporting activity because it takes away from attending Mass or prayer time? I have not. We too often treat sports like a meal – a necessity for which we find time; we treat faith like a dessert – a bonus if we get it at all. A confirmation retreat, sometimes the only retreat a young Catholic experiences, comes second to select soccer games and “required” practices. Connecting with Jesus is great if it fits into the schedule, but connecting a soccer ball with the inside of a net is where our true devotion lies.

Body & Soul
I am not saying that sports are bad. They are wonderful and I learned many life lessons from them. But they are just one part of life. As Christians, our souls need the same type of practice and activity that our bodies and minds get from sports. In fact, we do not actually need sports to be healthy, happy individuals. Starving one’s soul, however, leads us to emptiness. One couple I know told their kids they could only play sports if they were also committed to a youth group, which made the statement that they cared as much about their kids’ souls as they did about their athletic ability. All four of their kids turned out to be very strong in their faith and in athletics. One child was even a state wrestler and is now a youth minister.

In our Archdiocese, we are blessed that the sports program, CYC, strongly advocates a heathly perspective on sports. As stated in it's policies, sporting practices or games will be cancelled for parish missions, Confirmation retreats and any religious events. It's time for parents especially to catch onto this vision - sports are a great hobby but we worship God alone. As the CYC stresses, matters of the soul are too important to be given second place.

Team Work
Many parents complain when a retreat or spiritual event interferes with a sporting event because it would let down the team if their son or daughter could not attend. But, how much do each of us let down the Church community, our team in faith, when we’re spiritually absent or lazy? With this mentality we wait for other kids to step forward in church leadership because my child is too busy. Someone else’s kids will be the priests or nuns for the next generation. Someone else’s kids will be spiritual role models to younger kids. And then we wonder why kids fall away from faith in college. They have bought the mind-set that faith is primarily just for me and only when it is convenient for me. Sports and group projects at school we consider teamwork, but faith is just what works for God and me. In the Catholic Church, even through our prayers at Mass, we make it clear that we need each other – all parts of the body of Christ. It is not solely about a personal relationship with Jesus. If we are truly close to Jesus, He compels us to be in community and of service to others. Could it be even more important to be on God’s team than on a select soccer team?

We should encourage our kids to play sports and pursue hobbies so they might grow in dedication, hard work and perseverance. But, let us never lose sight of what we worship, what should always come first and what ultimately leads us to everlasting life.

I'm in Love

Heather Gallagher Vento — Thu, 23 Mar 2006 18:06:35 -0500

You might be wondering…does Heather have a boyfriend? Well, yes I do (he’s a hottie, too, from my Looking for Hotties blog) but I started this blog long before we fell in love and the idea behind it will continue whether we stay together or not.

My Love Life

As a single woman, now 30 years old, people often ask me, “How’s your love life?” For the past few years, I haven’t had a boyfriend, so you can guess my response to that question. Or can you? When thinking about that question a few months ago, I realized that the only response I could honestly give, whether I have a boyfriend or not, is that my love life is amazing!

Through God’s love – directly experienced in my prayer life, through the sacraments, Mary’s intercession, The Cross, and indirectly from my loving friends and family members – I am overflowing with love. By nothing more than God’s generosity, I am full. On any given weekend, if I’m not having fun, relishing in intimate relationships and friendships, I’m cherishing quiet time where I can let God love me, just as I am. Because God loves me so well, I am so in love with him.

Go Fall in Love!

Frequently I get emails from teens who either want to be in love or have recently left a romantic relationship and sense a great loss from not being in love anymore. My advice to them is…fall in love!

My friend Bill is in love with me. He told me a couple months ago he was in love with me and when I see him now and then, there’s a sparkle in his eyes. He said his wife of over 50 years is well aware that he is in love with me and she doesn’t mind one bit. Over the years, I think I’ve fallen in love with Bill, too. In fact, I’m also in love with my grandma – I always feel good playing cards and going to Steak-n-Shake with her. I’m in love with my parents, sister, brother-in-law, nieces and nephew and close friends.

So, fall in love with the people already in your life – you can experience incredible feelings just being with people who know and love you. And, if you want to experience love from others, then give it. Sacrifice for someone – see how much they’ll love you for it. Help your mom when you usually don’t, play a game with a younger sibling or cousin, listen to the kid that no one listens to. I’m certainly far from perfectly loving others, but I’ve found that trying to love people is the best path toward the abundant, full love life.

If all the relationships in your life seem to fail you, fall in love with an activity or hobby. Although they can’t “love” you back, they can certainly give you warm feelings. Fall in love with a book series you’ve always wanted to read, take an art class, join a community theater on stage or backstage, try a new sport, scrapbook, workout, go through an entire cookbook surprising yourself and your family with what you concoct. The opportunities are endless for you to be “in love” with someone or something.

What are you waiting for? If you don’t already have a love life – go get one! Start by simply accepting God's love, then try to share that love to people already in your life and you'll be falling in love before you know it (they'll fall in love with you, too). Soon, you’ll also say that your love life is nothing less than amazing.

Dedicated to one of my dearest friends…Billy.

I was wrong - terribly wrong

Heather Gallagher Vento — Tue, 24 Jan 2006 15:21:49 -0500

My previous blog “We were wrong - terribly wrong” describes the call to forgive the biggest evils and atrocities in our lives. With Jesus as our role model and through the power of the Holy Spirit forgiveness is certainly possible and even required as Christians. However, an additional thought crept into my brain recently that reminded me of why forgiveness is so important…I am a HUGE sinner.

It’s easy to criticize others, to find errors and weaknesses in their reasoning or actions. It’s easy to hold grudges on the especially big hurts – where little to no explanation suffices. But, don’t we all make major mistakes? I truly attempt to hate all sin in my life, but that doesn’t keep my sinful, human nature from taking over on a daily basis.

Seen “My Name is Earl” TV show on NBC? Earl has made list of all the big mistakes he’s made and now tries to “right” these wrongs. When I think of my own life, I can easily create a list of such major offenses, sins that I have committed. Yes, on numerous occasions in my life, everyday, I’ve been wrong, often even terribly wrong.

There are things on the list for which I asked God for forgiveness, some for which I haven’t forgiven myself, and probably many for which I haven’t been forgiven by those I hurt. And, yet, for all the sins I put on the list and all those I fail to see, I am still forgiven. God continues to forgive me in my pride, selfishness, pity and so much more. He didn’t even wait until I said, “sorry”. He died on the cross anyway.

Can I always be mad at the airport for tearing down my community, at the government for Vietnam, etc.? Sure, but there’s an arrogance in that anger – they can’t make mistakes but I can, or their mistakes are somehow far worse than mine. How can I judge the weight of how sin affects different people in different ways? To be more like God isn’t to have an inflated sense of “I know when others are SO wrong”. To be more like God is to forgive. God only loves and we hurt him in return – how can he forgive so easily? And, then, as someone who does hurt others, how can I hold myself to a higher standard than God – withholding my forgiveness because I’m “so right” and they are “so wrong”? I don’t know about you, but the next time I’m quick to anger or create a grudge, I need to remember my “Earl” list, the fact that I am loved and forgiven by someone who knows the list well and that we’re all in the same boat.

After all, St. Paul says, “forgive, as the Lord has forgiven you.”

We Were Wrong - Terribly Wrong

Heather Gallagher Vento — Tue, 06 Dec 2005 13:59:18 -0500

I recently harassed a fellow team member for using American foreign policy in one of his testimonies, but here I am about to do something similar. I suppose my history degree is coming in handy today!

Grudges

Most of us have our favorite grudges. As Christians, we know we are meant to forgive. Even in the Lord’s Prayer we ask God to forgive us as much as we forgive others. But, we still struggle. Probably my biggest grudge is against Lambert Airport. Due to the expansion efforts, my family lost a lot. My house in the Carrollton subdivision of Bridgeton was the only home I knew from birth to age 23 when I officially moved out. It was perfect for us – my parents even did renovations so they could retire in this home. One of my favorite memories is how every Christmas season, my sister and I enjoyed our own special secret hiding place – a big cabinet above the stairs, which had been emptied of all the decorations. We wrote on the walls. One thing I wrote was a message to whatever family would be living our home in 2050. No one ever read that message but us.

However, if the loss were merely a home, it wouldn’t be so bad. But, most of our family friends lived in that subdivision – now they are scattered, some living in states far away. We also lost our church, St. Lawrence the Martyr, where I received all my sacraments of initiation. We lost the neighborhood pool where I played as a kid (every day some summers) and worked at for eight years as a lifeguard and swim instructor. We lost the public elementary school my sister and I attended and where my dad worked for over thirty years. He helped to build the gymnasium, playground and pavilion. We also lost the parks where we would go to day camp, play and sled. Most memories of my childhood are wrapped up in this amazing community - a place where I will never be able raise, or even show, my own children.

They were wrong!

Some grudges remain simply because we have attitude; others exist because we know the other party was clearly wrong. In this case, few people who know the details of the plan will argue to the contrary – this airport expansion was wrong. I spoke with a pilot recently who said the pilots think it’s a huge waste of money. The expansion was done primarily to create an all-weather runway, and yet for some reason they couldn’t build one - so now we have just another runway for a not-so-busy airport. This article describes some of the many errors in the expansion. Even if expansion was necessary to bring more airlines into the area, Illinois provided Mid-America airport with plenty of space to continually expand and a Metrolink to take you from one airport to another. It was greed—a nice, big project to employ thousands of Missourians for a few years—and other major political issues (can’t explain them all here) that gives St. Louis a brand new runway and put 3 churches, 4 parks, 3 schools and over 2000 homes in a pile of dirt. Am I justified in my anger? You betcha!

Terribly wrong…

As I was driving and praying the other day, I thought of the Robert McNamara’s book, “In Retrospect”. He was Secretary of Defense during the conflict in Vietnam and openly admits in the book that the U.S. government made major errors in escalating this conflict and staying as long as we did. In the preface, he writes, “We were wrong, terribly wrong.” At first glance, this statement might seem to be healing – apologies can tend to help us let go. On the other hand, how must this statement affect the families of the 58,000 Americans lost? How painful for the mothers, sisters, brides, husbands of all the fatalities to hear that their loved one could still be alive. Do these people deserve to be justified in their anger, hurt and loss? Absolutely.

For our biggest grudge, most of us have every reason to be angry. Certainly those who have been through sexual abuse, families falling apart, natural disasters, and other atrocities should know that they’ve been wronged – they have the right to complain. Even those who have been through the loss or merge of a parish can compile a long list of why things should have been different, how much they lost or how much it has affected them. We have a right to our hurt and logical justifications. However, clinging tightly to the pain and frustration doesn’t erase the problem and rarely does it even inflict pain back on the ones who hurt us.

What Can We Do?

During that one car ride, while praying, God connected my grudge with the immense and righteous pain of those who experienced loss from Vietnam. Whether someone in power apologizes for mistakes or not, we’re both justified in our anger. Yet, in comparing myself with the families impacted by Vietnam, I realized that forgiveness is the only way out. If the loved ones of lost soldiers never forgive, they’ll be caught back in the atrocity – reliving the hurt, pain, anger and “wrong” of it all. If I want to let go of the dirt of the expansion, the choice is mine. I can stay in it, pout and be purely justified. But, I know I wasn’t created to hang out in dirt, and humans weren’t created for war – against nations or within our hearts. Forgiving doesn't mean we believe what took place is okay - it'll never be okay. Forgiveness simply means that we no longer hold onto the hurt. Forgiving (not forgetting) the airport and the politicians behind its expansion is the only way to be the person God created me to be. It’s the only way to start the healing process and find freedom.

Today, I pray for all those dealing with the loss of loved ones – whether it was from a war years ago, or very recently, or from something completely different. Especially during the holiday season, missing someone dear to you is tragic. I also pray for all of us who have been hurt and have every right to be angry because of the loss of a home, parish or relationship, gossip or being picked on for no reason. As we seek divine assistance to truly forgive and let go of that one big grudge, may we become more like the source of perfect mercy. Jesus, please give us your heart, a heart full of forgiveness, even when “…they know not what they do.”

I like to party, drink and have a good time

Heather Gallagher Vento — Wed, 28 Sep 2005 11:16:38 -0500

I like to party, drink and have a good time. Does this sound weird coming from a youth minister, from someone who disagrees with drunkenness and underage drinking? It shouldn’t sound weird at all; it only does because the evil one is cunning. He has stolen words and ideas from the Creator of pleasure and all good things. He is a thief – plain and simple. He didn’t create good times, fun or parties; but he often perverts them for his destructive purposes. The devil wants to convince us that real fun and joy only come from walking away from God (sin); he wants us to view God and pleasures as polar opposites. In my opinion, he’s done a darn good job.

On retreats, we often ask the question in small groups with high school students, “What obstacles keep young people from making good choices and staying close to Christ.” Teens almost always refer to being influenced by friends and media. They are being told, “The real fun is in sin; the only fun is in sin! God is boring. You’ll have to sit at home or in a church all day if you stay close to God or do the ‘right thing.’” I cannot tell teens I like to drink and party because their minds immediately go to sin. They’ve believed the lie and so do most of us adults. This is all part of our sinful nature – not our redeemed nature.

But, Satan doesn’t stop his perversions with the way we recreate. The evil one continues to attack all that is inherently good in and of itself. “Give me some lovin’” We all need lovin’ – real love. “I’m a great lover.” Jesus was the best lover but he never had sex. “I’m pro-choice.” Me too – it’s called “free will” – an awesome gift from God. “When life becomes a burden, it should end.” Let’s all die, then, because who isn’t a burden to someone else at numerous times throughout life!?!

How did the words “pro-choice” become associated with killing innocent life? How did the word “love” become the title for sex whether it’s in a loving, marital relationship or not? How did “life becoming a burden” become synonymous with the idea of terminating life? He’s sneaky, isn’t he? Because almost all of us accept the evil one’s connotations without question. We need to stop accepting lies! Isn’t the beauty of LIFE about CHOOSING to carry each other’s BURDENS? Isn’t this where real LOVE resides?

And, aren’t the best parties and celebrations in cooperation with a noble task – two lives giving of themselves for the other (marriage), victory after a challenging, burdensome situation, honoring the life of a dear loved one. Although I’m not married, I’m willing to bet the best sex comes after a married couple chooses to work through a difficult time. I know my dear friend Nikki and even her family experienced some of the strongest love of their lives in the months preceding her slow death to cancer. Even my best times out “partying and drinking” were with friends who were of legal age and kept the alcohol consumption (but not the fun) in moderation. In fact, at some of the best parties I’ve been to people weren’t drinking at all.

So, as Christians, we should be mindful of the deceitful tactics of the evil one and work as citizens of the Kingdom of God to reclaim what has been stolen. Instead of merely focusing on why sin is bad – shutting the door to the only fun many friends and family members may know – let’s also open wide the door of pleasure, fun and fulfillment God had originally planned for our lives. We all walk back into sin when they’re only told, “don’t do it.” Yet, we don’t have the time to walk back into sin when we’re busy embracing real life, as it was meant to be! Through the redemption of Christ, this is not only possible, it’s our path to eternal bliss in Heaven. Remember what God says, “Behold, I make all things new.” Rev. 21:5

Looking for Hotties?

Heather Gallagher Vento — Tue, 26 Jul 2005 13:17:56 -0500

On a retreat recently (with amazingly holy Catholic young women!), I said something that shocked me - I told them I was looking for a hot guy in my life.

Now, I know in our culture, when we hear the words, “hot guy”, our mind immediately goes to Brad Pitt or Matthew McConaughey. Mine, too, usually. In fact, morals aside, most of us are even good at playing the “Hot or Not” TV game show – whether on TV or in real life. Being a child of the 80’s and a fairly normal American, I fit into this pack. And, although I will admit this part of me exists, I am certainly not proud of it.

In the last few years, I’ve really been challenged to see the holiness in Christian guys as their most attractive characteristic. Last year, I was most impressed by a good friend who, when asked which guy she most liked among a big group of friends, said, “I’m just so attracted to any guys who are holy!” I was floored to hear this come from such a physically gorgeous woman. She was like Shallow Hal under the spell. As Hal saw women’s inner beauty as physical beauty, my friend saw men’s spiritual depth as physically attractive. The physical appearance was reflective of the soul, and a soul filled with Christ was the most attractive thing to her. Wow - how amazing, and a good challenge for me.

So, back to my story. On this women’s retreat, something I said revealed to me that God has made progress in changing my heart. I said I’m looking for a hot guy - and I immediately added that to me “hot” means “on fire for Christ”. Now, strong faith has always been extremely important to me, but I’ve never said or even really thought about it this way before. This may not seem like a huge revelation to you, but it was a cool moment for me. I’m not saying that physical chemistry isn’t important for a romantic relationship – of course it is. I’m just now redefining what I find to be especially attractive, what makes someone a hottie - it’s really a “hot” soul.

Consider your friends, co-workers, youth group members and classmates. When you look at them, think of this – if their physical appearance reflected the condition of their soul, who would be a hottie?

Wild and Captivating

Heather Gallagher Vento — Mon, 13 Jun 2005 12:16:17 -0500

Rarely do I find a movie or book so powerful that I want to spread the word, yet this happens to be one of those times.

Wild at Heart by John Eldredge and Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge (co-authored with the Mrs.) are revolutionary books in the Christian world. Wild at Heart is a best-seller and Captivating, very recently published, is making noise and promising to be as influential as Wild at Heart. If read with an open heart, these books will change the way you view yourself, the opposite sex and your relationship with God. In fact, for me, I feel stronger as a woman and have even adapted my expectations and hopes of the future because of how God’s truth is portrayed in these books.

About one year ago, when I read Wild at Heart… Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul, I was immediately challenged in how I view and treat guys. I grew a deep appreciation for the male soul and how God created men to be. For Christian men who have embraced the message of this book, I know they’ve experienced amazing transformation as well. An accountability and prayer group of young, professional men decided to base a retreat and their accountability questions on the challenges put forth in the book (I can email them to you if you want to see them). Although I know these men appreciate this book beyond words, I’m also impressed when I hear their wives describe how their marriages have changed since their husbands became wild men. I ran into some high school guys just last week who decided to write and lead a retreat for the men in their youth group solely based on Wild at Heart. The book continues to inspire people!

One of the cutest things I heard regarding Wild at Heart came from a good friend who was talking to her boyfriend about the book. They decided to read it at the same time and discuss it. Her boyfriend forgot a bit of the chapters by the time they had a chance to discuss the book. They talked through it regardless, but when they got to the chapter called, “Rescuing the Beauty”, and it was evident he didn’t remember the content too well, my friend sweetly asked, “Could you read it again? Maybe twice?” It’s not that she felt he wasn’t “rescuing” her, but it’s that the chapter so eloquently described what the female heart longs for deep down. I don’t know any woman who has read the book who wouldn’t want her husband or boyfriend – in fact all of the men in her life - to read that chapter twice.

Captivating…Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul is the female version of Wild at Heart. I must admit that I’m only on Chapter 3 and am already blown away by the content of this book. I couldn’t wait to finish it before I recommended it to you. I suggested it to a teen friend of mine just a couple of days ago and she already wrote me, “I must say it is giving me some great perspective on things. I really like so many parts. I especially liked the part where they explain the curse from Genesis and how those curses work to control many relationships. I’m just a little into it, but I wanted to let you know that I thoroughly enjoy it.” And, just as Wild at Heart was a great read for me, and I think all women should read it, I hope that all of you men will take some time to read Captivating, so that you will better love and understand the women in your lives.

I hope that none of you will be worried about the idea of women being “rescued” or a book calling Christian women to “captivate,” believing it’s another method of Christian gender stereotyping or encouraging male domination. If you feel such a way, I just encourage you to read the book with an open mind and heart – there’s so much more depth to the books than the titles might infer. A female friend of mine, who would never pick up a Christian book, much less one of these, was at first offended by the idea of being “rescued”. But, after I explained the content of the chapter to her a bit, she admitted that her current boyfriend, unlike her previous boyfriend, is so strongly a man that she feels more like a woman than ever in her life. She loves it. This is what these books encourage – being more fully the man or woman God created you to be.

Therefore, men, since so many women have been blessed by the men in their lives who have been transformed through the message of Wild at Heart, if you haven’t read it yet, it’s time for you to become a real wild man (or even wilder). And, similarly, I believe that men will be blessed, as more and more of us women become transformed by the life-changing wisdom of Captivating. So, women, don’t drag your feet – the men in our lives deserve to be truly captivated.

If you’ve read the books, I’d love to hear your perspective. Send an email to heather@reapteam.org. Paul Masek and I are giving a workshop at Steubenville Mid-America next month and our talk will include some of these concepts, and much more! Feedback on these two books might even be helpful for us as to continue to prepare the talk. And, if you’re going to Steubenville in Springfield, we hope to see you there!

White Dresses and My First Love

Heather Gallagher Vento — Wed, 09 Mar 2005 11:19:26 -0500

Wouldn’t it be great if all wedding gowns of white contained a pure vessel, ready to receive their true love for the first time - both spiritually and physically? Wouldn’t it be great if every bride could honestly say, “Fill me with everything that you are - I purely desire to receive and love you for eternity”?

I’ve always heard that you’ll never completely get over your first love. I’m not sure if that’s true for everyone, but it has got me thinking lately. Who was my first true love? Was it one of my two big high school crushes - Tony or Tyler? Was it the guy I first kissed? I certainly hope not! Was it my lasting “close” friendship with Brian or ongoing saga with Matt? Nope, none of these actually qualify. My first love actually surfaced years before.

In the Spring of 1984, I experienced my first love. He did not admire me from a distance; he admired me up close and personal. Every young girl’s dream is for the cute boy in the class to send her a note saying, “Meet me in the tunnel at recess. I want to hang out with YOU!” This guy not only asked me to “hang out”, he was bold enough, at my young age of 7, to ask me to fully unite with him. So, I dressed up in my white dress and I sought to be a beautifully pure vessel for him. Mom cried - as moms often do on such occasions. My first love gave himself to me, in a humble, tangible way on that anointed day of my First Holy Communion.

After the original reception of my first love, I have to admit that I have often taken his love for granted. I have sought other “loves” in different guys and places. I haven’t always been a pure vessel, seeking to receive him fully. Yet, my first love has continued to give himself to me, no holding back. His love has been true and faithful. And, it is to his love that I continually return. It is his love alone that fulfills me.

If God calls me to marriage, to wear a white gown again, I pray that I never will “get over” my first love. My Baptist cousin Jeni and her groom, Dan, were able to choose what they wanted to do in the wedding service after their vows. They wisely chose to pray. As Catholics, how blessed are we that after we exchange vows and rings, we are immediately reminded of our first love!?! We physically receive him, in the Eucharist, even before physically receiving one another.

Most Catholic women only wear white gowns twice in life - when they celebrate the most precious, pure and powerful of unions. May the white dresses always signify the occurrence of something new, sacred and eternal! And, in this springtime of many First Holy Communions and marriages, may we never forget the importance of our first love.

Do You Hate Rules?

Heather Gallagher Vento — Mon, 31 Jan 2005 10:22:10 -0500

Do You Hate Rules? Sexual “rules” are only the beginning - freedom is the result.

This blog is for any teen or young adult who has been frustrated Church or Biblical rules and the lack of freedom they seem to impose.

Are you annoyed by the ridiculous kitchen rule that we can’t put our fingers on a hot stove? Don’t you find it oppressive that we can’t put our hands anywhere in the kitchen that we want to?

Many teens, and even some of my young adult friends, find the teachings of the Church, especially in regards to chastity, to be oppressive. They think, “How stupid that we can’t be sexually active outside of marriage!” Rules stink, right? Well, when was the last time you complained about the rule of not putting your hand on a hot stove? I stopped arguing over that rule when I learned the reason behind it (ouchie!). All of a sudden, it wasn’t so much of a rule as it was natural cause and effect. My parents really love me, and don’t want me to get burned. Some of us come to this realization about the stove from watching others get burned, but most of us have to get burned personally before it clicks. Unfortunately, far too few people trust the advice of people who really love them.

The “rules” of chastity are similar. They start out as rules. They may seem oppressive and restrictive. Then, over time, if we keep our eyes and hearts open we learn the simple cause and effect realities of sex outside of marriage. Eventually, the “rules” of chastity don’t seem like rules at all, like the stove “rule”. We no longer have the desire to get burned or even see people we love get burned. Then, and not until then, we find true freedom – freedom to not get burned, but also freedom to not worry about “rules”.

Moving from rules to freedom is a process. We can’t get to freedom by throwing off the rules, but we must go through them. Let me describe, through my own life, this crazy process of finding freedom.

Stage 1 Poor Matt. I dated a guy (we’ll call him Matt) on and off for 3 years. When I first heard the word chastity, I didn’t really know what it meant. I didn’t live it very well. I enjoyed the immediate “freedom” of doing some sexual things with Matt. Physically, things were good, but other than that – the relationship was completely empty. We didn’t build a friendship. I liked Matt’s physical interest in me because that was the only attention I could get from him. I didn’t know the real teachings of the Church on chaste relationships or that anything better existed.

Stage 2 I started learning more about chastity and even told Matt about my discoveries. He wasn’t thrilled. Yet my decision seemed firm for me, based on a desire for respect, love, peace and freedom - the “prizes” I assumed would surface soon after living chastely for a while. In this commitment to chastity, I decided I would not do certain physical things that I had formerly done. These were rules to me. And, they felt like rules - not fun or freeing. I certainly did not enjoy those moments of telling Matt, “NO!” And, the poor guy had to live through my interior struggle – my body and heart saying, “I do want this”; my mind and soul saying, “I don’t want this”. Both of us left those nights upset. Where’s the freedom in this chaos? Where’s the love in saying, “no”? Where’s the peace and respect? But, thanks be to God, the story is not over.

Stage 3 I had to let go of my relationship with Matt. Actually, he let go of me. I have a good feeling that he got sick of the “rules”. I don’t blame him at all. What a mess I was! Yet, all the freedom and peace didn’t then just magically appear. I missed him and there are still days I miss him – a physical relationship has a way of keeping hold of you. The prizes didn’t come merely from my good choices – to commit to chastity or officially move away from Matt; they came over time. In the years after Matt, I continued to learn more about chastity. I met some strong men of faith and chastity. I dated guys in more of a friendship capacity – focused on getting to know them personally and light physical affection. I prayed more. I sought the face of Christ more than the comfort of some guy’s arms. It has taken time, but I finally know what it means to be free, have peace, respect and love.

I have had some darn cool relationships with guys over the past few years. I put my head down on my pillow every night with complete peace of mind. Do you know how great that feels? I love it!!! Wouldn’t trade one moment of this for empty or temporary sexual fulfillment. I dated a guy recently who had sex in past relationships. When we started talking about dating, he showed how much he cared for me by saying he wouldn’t dare try to push sex in our relationship. He knew where it led him in the past. He wanted complete respect for himself, his relationship with God and for me. He wasn’t talking out of “rules”. He had experienced true freedom, too! He was free to love purely.

This doesn’t mean my desire for sexual union has diminished - it’s actually increased as I learn more about the power and beauty of sex. But my desire to misuse sex is what has diminished. I very much so desire to give myself entirely to a man, as sex is created to be an entire gift of self in the commitment of marriage. I do not desire to “loan” myself to a guy for the night or months that we’re together. Temptations for sexual things will be present as I move toward marriage with a boyfriend, but I pray that by the grace of God, my desire to value sex and love him purely will trump my desires for immediate attention and fulfillment.

Bob’s Idea of Freedom Some people call freedom “the ability to do whatever you want whenever you want to do it”. However, that mentality often brings enslavement to the consequences of our actions. I see this version of freedom (which our culture highly values) more like a freedom to use and abuse whatever and whoever works for us at the time. Bob (my good friend) threw me for a loop recently, however, when he said, “True freedom is eventually getting to the place where you can do whatever you want whenever you want to do it. Here’s how: if we get so close to the heart of Christ (who is love), if we learn to love as he loves, we will desire to only do loving things.”

I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart. –Psalm 40:8

Love, and do what you like. –St. Augustine

Don't Miss Jesus

Heather Gallagher Vento — Mon, 20 Dec 2004 16:13:49 -0500

Just the other day, I heard a good friend describe the major dilemma her family encounters every Christmas – trying to get to 6 different family gatherings, let the kids take naps and have their own family Christmas time. From Christmas Eve to Christmas Day, it’s just too much. Part of the family even decided to celebrate on December 26th to lessen the stress of the holiday. In light of it all, my friend commented that they’ll be attending 4 p.m. Mass on Christmas Eve and her tone seemed to imply, “to get it out of the way.”

My friend’s situation is not unique, especially for big families – showing me yet another benefit of being single (I can relax for a while since I’m only attending 3 family celebrations). For many, even very faithful Christians like my friend, it’s easy to “fit Mass into the schedule”. Yet, it’s not as easy to realize that Mass IS the direct celebration of Jesus. This is the celebration that matters most.

I’ll liken Christmas Mass to a birthday party where the “host” or “man of the hour” is present. If it was your grandpa’s birthday, would it be more important to spend time with him or to simply spend time with all the random people he has touched and continues to bless? Both are good. Sharing and experiencing Christ’s presence through other people is a wonderful thing. But, we should remember that no parties would be taking place this season without that little, circular “host”. Let’s not forget the importance of spending time with “the man of the hour”, who is indeed our host. Jesus is PRESENT – the greatest present we’ll receive we get at Mass. The greatest gift we give to others comes from Mass.

Did you know that Bethlehem means “house of bread” and that a manger is a place where animals feed? Therefore, through Mass and the Eucharist, we have the fullness of Christmas – going to Bethlehem in our community (our “house of bread”) and coming to the manger of our Lord, to be fed. Attending Mass to merely “get it over with” can cause us to miss the entire point of the celebration.

As Catholics, we believe the Eucharist is Jesus. We can see him this Christmas. We can touch, hold, and experience Jesus completely. Let us come to adore and celebrate the ultimate gift – Jesus, in whom God humbly comes both in the manger and in the Eucharistic host. Obviously, you don’t need to spend more time in Church than at family gatherings, and it’s not even a bad thing to go to Mass at a time that works best for your family. However, let’s not miss out on the ultimate celebration of the holiday - “Christ + Mass”. Let’s make it more than just another thing to fit in.

Hardee's Responds & Your Letters

Heather Gallagher Vento — Thu, 18 Nov 2004 21:56:43 -0500

In my last blog titled Dear Hardee’s: Enough With the Bull, I posted the letter I sent complaining about the mechanical bull commercial. Hardee’s responded by writing that they regret that I took offense and it was not their intention to offend anyone. They also mentioned that email is not the best route to file complaints, but they prefer people using their comment line, 1-877-799-STAR. What has inspired me, however, is your response. I know some people have called Hardee’s/Carl Jr. (if you want to do so, you still can!) and others of you have written and forwarded your letters to me. So, I posted them below and hope they inspire you as well.

Dear Ms. Pfeifer-Harms:

I am writing to register my complaint concerning your recent Western Bacon Thickburger commercial. Was it really necessary to recruit Playboy bunny Cameron Richardson for your recent Western Bacon Thickburger commercial? Looking at the matter objectively, I have to ask: What does eating a hamburger even remotely have to do with sex? Your sexually suggestive ad is demeaning of both women and sex and quite frankly disgusting. Yes, you might sell a few burgers by appealing to the baser part of human nature and those in bondage to it, but is it really worth degrading women and offending the moral sensibilities of many parents and families? Is it really helpful to promote the objectification of women by men in our already hyper-sexualized society just to sell a few burgers? It wouldn’t surprise me if more people are turned off than “turned on” by your commercial. So long as you choose to sell your products in this manner, I will take my business elsewhere.

Sincerely, Blake Butterworth Houston, TX

Dear Ms. Pfeifer-Harms:

Until recently, my family and I were avid customers of Hardee’s Restaurants. For years now we had frequently visited your various restaurants and enjoyed your delicious food immensely. We all even bragged about your menu to others and even went as far as to suggest to anyone that would listen that your restaurant’s food was the very best around.

Recently, though, our opinions have drastically changed. Not about the food. The food is still amazing, I assume. I say I assume because since the recent t.v. ad came out advertising the Western Bacon Thickburger my family and most all of my friends have boycotted your restaurant.

I would like to explain to you why I have decided to boycott your restaurant. Firstly, I am highly offended by this new advertisement with the woman on the mechanical bull eating a Western Bacon Thickburger. I am personally offended as a woman. I don’t like women being shown in that disrespectful way. I feel that this ad is a total degradation of females.

I am also offended for my daughters. My husband and I have children ranging from 17 to 2 yrs. of age. I was shocked that this was shown on television, and let me tell you that I do not get shocked too easily. I feel as though this ad was totally inappropriate and crossed many lines of decency. I did not want our two older girls of 10 and 8 to see such blatant disrespect for women. We have adopted our girls through foster care. These girls went through too much before they came to live with us. They need healthy role models on T.V.

I am offended for our 3 teenaged sons. My young men need good, positive images of women on T.V. This ad does nothing but objectify this woman and makes it a terribly degrading commercial. Even my 15 year old commented, “Whoa, that’s just wrong.”

My husband, who is a very easy-going guy stated, “That definately crossed the line.”

The last time I ate at Hardees I was shocked to see a huge cardboard ad of the woman on the bull and also the cashier was giving out 3D hologram-type cards. When I stated that it was quite offensive I was surprised at his answer. He said that he knew what I meant and actually agreed with me. He was approximately 20 years old and said he wouldn’t even let his nephew and neice come into the restaurant for fear they would see that posterboard. The manager was also notified of our concerns. He basically just said he was going along with what the big wigs said to do.

I would be thrilled to be able to come back and be a patron of your restaurant again. But, I cannot, in good faith, do that when such blatant disregard for all of us is at hand.

In conclusion, I have NEVER ever written a company before and complained about anything. This is too huge of a step-over-the-line for me to let this one go. I am sure you might have bigger sales because of this advertisement. But, at what (or whose) expense? I know the answer to that — all of ours, especially our children!

I thank you for your consideration in this matter,

Sincerely, Susan M. Farrar

CKE Restaurants (Hardee’s) Chairman William P. Foley II

Dear Mr. Foley: As a former Hardee’s employee of two years, I would like to thank you for your delicious menu and good customer service over the years. Until recently, I have always been entertained by the sometimes obnoxious, yet humorous commercials Hardee’s has used to promote its food. Why does Hardee’s now stoop to a commercial of a woman riding a mechanical bull? As a result of this commercial I will not eat at Hardee’s until this commercial is pulled off the air, and I will spread the word to my family and friends. Sincerely, Seth Jansen

Dear Hardee's - Enough with the Bull

Heather Gallagher Vento — Fri, 05 Nov 2004 12:27:39 -0500

Dear Hardee’s Corporate Leadership:

As a 28-year-old woman who has been very impressed by your food since the introduction of your “Thickburgers,” I have recommended you to friends, family members and people I encounter in my job as a traveling youth minister and speaker. I interact with approximately 11,000 teenagers each year.

Recently, however, my perception of you has dramatically altered, and my change of heart stems from your recent advertisements for your new “Western Bacon Thickburger” involving a young woman on a mechanical bull. Although I am sure this advertisement is enticing to men and has generated a lot of attention and sales, I think it has crossed the line of propriety and, at the same time, indicates a sense of desperation. You must be willing to do virtually anything to sell burgers.

Although I have many concerns with your mechanical bull advertising, I’ll focus on just one—the obvious degradation of women and how that affects our culture. Many well-intentioned and mature adults don’t quite understand the magnitude of turning women into merely physical objects of desire. It’s one thing to look lustfully at a luscious burger; it’s quite another to view a human as something to take and use for your pleasure. A very wise man (Pope John Paul II) once wrote that the opposite of love is not hatred but is the using of another. I couldn’t agree more.

It affects me and many other women every time a man looks at us as if we are just play-toys for his imagination, and here’s why: perception always precedes action. Both rape and domestic abuse are often linked to a man’s mentality that a woman is in his life to please him. The degradation of women in our culture is widespread and shameless. And it begins in our minds, with the way we view women.

Young women are negatively affected any time women are objectified or overly sexualized, as your ad blatantly does. I work with more than 5,000 teenage women each year, and I see these effects. Very few young women believe they are valuable or attractive, and it is not just because they are insecure adolescents. They readily admit that movies, music videos, magazine covers and commercials have let an unspoken message sink in, “If you’re not skinny, absolutely gorgeous and sexy, you’re not enough.”

Women learn at an all-too-young age what men want and what we must become to attract their attention. It’s all about our bodies and our sexuality, not our personality, opinions, sense of humor or spirit. Why do you think a growing number of 12-year-old girls are freely giving oral sex, starving themselves and succumbing to depression, cutting and suicide? Certainly the objectification of women is not the only factor, but it is a major contributing one. And for many, it is the only one.

Although you can blow this off as “not our problem” and just another product of our culture, I believe it is your problem both now and in the future. One of your employees told me he no longer will bring his children into the restaurant due to the posters of the advertisement that are displayed. Another teenaged female employee admitted disgust when older men say they want a “Western Bacon Thickburger” because they like the young woman in the commercial. She seemed to feel violated just by the way some of these men spoke to her and looked at her.

One of your managers told me his honest opinion after I shared many of my concerns with him. He said that it’s not just a Hardee’s issue; it’s all over our culture and Hardee’s is just “capitalizing upon it.” I have no doubt that he’s right about that. But aren’t you ashamed? No one is accusing you of beginning this trend, but you are to blame for perpetuating it. I beg you to take a bold and potentially difficult financial move by pulling this ad campaign. Please show us all that you care about our culture – especially our young men and women.

I look forward to hearing back from you and I thank you very much for your time.

Sincerely,

Heather Gallagher Office of Youth Ministry Archdiocese of St. Louis

*If have you have also been offended by this advertisement, I encourage you to contact Hardee’s/Carl Jr. and let them know how you’ve been affected. You could make a phone call, write a letter, boycott or talk to your local Hardee’s store. They take the phone calls on their comment line very seriously, so I highly recommend at least taking that route.

If you would like to contact Hardee’s corporate office: CKE Restaurants (Hardee’s) Chairman William P. Foley II 3916 State St., Ste. 300 Santa Barbara, CA 93105

Toll Free: 877-799-7827 (24 hour customer comment line)

A Pro-Life Experience...

Heather Gallagher Vento — Mon, 18 Oct 2004 13:55:13 -0500

The Bad, the Ugly & the Divine

A while back, I found out that 500 Steubenville students showed up at John Kerry’s rally to give a prayerful pro-life presence. Then, I heard that some of our Kenrick-Glennon seminarians (and a couple priests) were trying to do the same this past Friday night. Being inspired, a few friends and I decided to join these strong pro-lifers making an appearance at John Kerry’s post-debate rally. So we did, and here’s a bit of what we experienced.

We decided to be in Adoration during the debate and show up for the post-debate rally, in contrast to most of the Kerry supporters who came to America’s Center hours earlier for the debate-watching party held before the rally. Upon arrival, the six of us found our seminarians (who had arrived hours before) standing outside the doors of the America’s Center. Even though Kerry’s Debate-Watch party was open to the public, and the seminarians had tickets, these obvious Catholics were not allowed inside (they wore clerics). After much discussion, there was no answer from the Kerry staff or police as to why they were not allowed inside. Therefore, the priests and seminarians decided to give their witness and prayer support from the outside of the America’s Center.

Since we weren’t obviously Catholic, we were allowed to enter. The debate was over by the time we got inside, so we were just waiting for Mr. Kerry to arrive. It was around an hour before he showed up. In the meantime, we decided to separate ourselves from the big crowd and assembled in the rear of the room, near the bathrooms. Signs were not allowed (except “Kerry politically-correct” signs), and yet we wanted people to know why we were there, why we were on our knees praying a rosary. We represented more than ourselves; we were primarily present for the unborn. So, we had bumper stickers on our backs that read…

“Slavery (mark through it)
Holocaust (mark through it)
Abortion
Two Down; One to Go.”

The Bad Although not a big group utilized the restrooms and were able to see our bumper stickers, those who walked near us seemed to know what we were doing. We were mostly viewed as a novelty – people laughing and taking pictures of us. One young man gave us the birdie. A lawyer wanted to debate how “right” it is to follow the Supreme Court and not be a one-issue voter (Read Archbishop Burke and Adolf Hitler on one-issue voting). The security guards asked us if we were going to do anything more than pray. We obviously answered, “no”. Another woman tried to guide the crowd to another bathroom, away from us, so they couldn’t see what we were doing or our signs.

The Ugly Not much action took place until we got outside – which was good, since we weren’t there to cause a riot. But, when we got outside, we realized that a riot had begun. Almost all of our hearts were immediately pounding feverishly when we saw the spectacle – our seminarians and priests were surrounded by police. The crowd was so overbearing that they needed protection. We automatically ran to our friends and joined them inside the “circle”. Since four of us were women, I suppose the crowd ceased their dramatic physical taunting and the cops moved away.

We were left to a crowd of about 100 or more, who continually surrounded us – laughing, chanting, holding signs in our faces as we continued to simply pray the rosary and hold our pro-life signs. Some wrote their own signs in objection to ours – too vulgar to mention here. Many just stood there yelling at us about a variety of things. Since we weren’t all seminarians, they ceased their rips on the clergy and threw out a slew of comments too vast to remember. Here are a few that especially struck me. “How can you be for the war?” (a lot of these) “How can you believe in the death penalty and not abortion?” “Change hearts, not laws.” Although we longed to respond, “The war is an entirely separate issue.” “We actually DON’T believe in the death penalty.” “I agree, hearts need to change, too. What are you doing about it?” we just kept praying.

The crowd seemed to get bigger and the chants got louder. “Keep your rosaries off our ovaries.” “We choose choice.” People surrounded us talking in our faces or behind our backs with obscenities; they refused to leave. So, after our rosary was over, we decided to go. The crowd cheered, as if they accomplished a big victory by merely out-chanting us. But, we knew that these little “battles” aren’t always as they seem.

The Divine Although the evening was difficult, it still was quite blessed. The lawyer who approached us inside joined us in an “Our Father” before he walked away. A man asked one of us point-blank about the death penalty and when we were able to say we did not believe in it, he said he was glad to hear that. A young man approach one of us and said, “I totally agree with you but don’t have the guts to join you. Thanks for being here.”

And, our favorite part of the night was when a father, his teen daughter and one of her friends approached us to talk while we were inside. He said he was Catholic and although he liked Kerry, he just didn’t know if he could vote for him. He’d recently read a commentary in the Wall Street Journal comparing abortion to the holocaust and just couldn’t see the other issues combined as important enough to support Kerry. We chatted with them for a while and finally we decided to get back to our rosary. The daughter then said, “Let’s pray with them, Daddy.” It was a sweet experience to meet them and pray together.

All of us involved were touch by the event in different ways. One thing I came away with was the beauty of our Church. I’m impressed that we don’t back down on the difficult issues. I was also blessed by the faithfulness of the seminarians and priests, staying outside for hours, standing and taking abuse from the attendees. It was an incredible honor to be able to stand and pray with such holy men. They told us later that they were about to leave until we arrived. As the priests (and future priests) are often on the front lines, we, the laity, were there to support them and stand strong. Our presence wouldn’t have been nearly as effective and strong without them and vice versa. What a beautiful witness to just being a part of this Church.

May God bless and transform our hearts, as well as all those we met, John Kerry, George W. Bush and all Americans during this election year.

An article from the seminarians stationed on the other side of the America’s Center: Part 1 Part 2

Slackers at Mass

Heather Gallagher Vento — Fri, 17 Sep 2004 16:21:13 -0500

When I was in college, there were few Catholics around. I found myself trying to defend my faith on a frequent basis. Although many arguments my Protestant friends would give me included misconceptions of Catholicism, some of their criticisms were based on fact. One fact is that at many Catholic Masses the majority of the congregation seems to be in a spiritual coma. They seem to just go through the motions. So few seem to sing, pray or even want to be there, unlike many enthusiastic worshippers at Protestant services. I wondered, “Is my house of worship just like the Sigma Chi House – full of deadheads?” (No offense to all Sigma Chi’s but this house on my campus was well known for one thing…)

Granted, I knew there were great Masses for teens or in the inner city where the congregation was much more energetic. But, what about all the other Masses, the ones I usually found myself attending? Why do so many practicing Catholics often seem to turn on “auto-pilot” or slack during Mass? What’s the point of them even being there?

While trying to figure out this mystery, a realization hit me (thanks to God or whoever gave me these thoughts). Catholics are required to go to Mass every week – to actually keep the Sabbath Day holy, by not only resting, but also spending at least one hour in communal prayer to be challenged to grow spiritually and to receive Jesus for strength. Most Protestant churches would not consider missing Sunday service a sin like the Catholic Church. While the majority of my Protestant friends never found their way to church services on Sundays during college, many of even my barely-practicing Catholic friends often got their butts to Mass. For my Protestant friends who did make it to Sunday services, I trust, they would sing their tails off and participate like the apocalypse was coming tomorrow (I knew some on-fire women!).

In youth ministry, I discovered something amazing. There’s a huge difference between a captive audience and an audience that comes of their own free will. For example, the sophomores at Catholic high school can seem like a bunch of deadheads while a youth group crowd is much more open and excited about growing in faith. Duh, right? Yeah, it’s not the most brilliant epiphany, but it helps me to understand why the people attending Protestant services would inherently participate differently than those attending Catholic Masses.

Most Protestant services are full of people who really want to be there; that’s why they’re much more likely to sing and participate. If they can get their rear ends out of bed on Sunday mornings, when their own church says it’s not sinful to stay home, they’ll care more about getting something out of it. As Catholics, however, we gotta go. Sounds really inspiring, doesn’t it? Actually, “inspired” it is!

When I was in middle school, I went to God’s Gang youth group in Bridgeton. After the first few meetings, I noticed a group of kids who seemed to come not for the spiritual growth but strictly for the candy and soda. Here our youth leader was spending his hard-earned money to refresh us spiritually strong kids, and those rascals were taking advantage of it! They were even stuffing their pockets with the candy – hoodlums, I must say!

I, of course, brought this atrocity to the attention of our generous leader, Bill Patty. His response has never left me. After I told him that these rebel children were only coming for the candy, he smiled and giggled, “That’s alright, Heather. I realize that. At least if they’re here, however, God has a much better chance of reaching them. You never know on what day the truth will sink in. At least they’re here.”

Now, I see God smiling over all the slackers at Catholic Masses and saying, “At least they’re here.” It’s much harder to reach those who never show up. God knew that there would be many Sabbaths that we don’t feel like going to Mass, but He wants to reach us anyway no matter our motivation for showing up (we have to or want to). Besides, who am I to judge the so-called slackers? I don’t know what’s going on in the heart of each person at Mass (the most faithful can look or sound like a deadbeat on any given Sunday), but I hope I remember Billy’s words before I get upset at our Catholic slackers. And, as fun as a youth group retreat can be, helping to train the next Church leaders in holiness, how powerful a captive audience retreat can be when just one so-called slacker lets the truth sink in. “At least they’re here.”

On Adolf Hitler and Archbishop Burke

Heather Gallagher Vento — Thu, 15 Jul 2004 12:42:07 -0500

Forgive me for putting Hitler and the Archbishop in the same line, but you’ll understand why if you read on.

Screaming typically describes my “disagreements” with mom and dad (I told you I can be a “Mean Girl”, but I’m really working on improving). This past week, however, we had an argument without raising our voices—it was beautiful. Even though we might disagree with how things have been said or announced, my parents and I actually came to a peaceful agreement (another miraculous event) on the issue of voting for candidates who support abortion.

We found consensus on the magnitude and devastation of abortion. We agreed that the US is conducting a new kind of genocide—like Adolf Hitler did to the Jews, like white supremacists did to Africans, and like the recent slaughters in Rwanda. Genocide occurs when the victims have no choice. If you question whether or not abortion compares to other genocides, please take the time to look through this online exhibit. I’ll warn you that it’s grotesque, but the face of murder always is.

A New Hitler?

Many people have recently insinuated that Archbishop Burke is behaving as a dictator, like Hitler, by telling Catholics how they should vote. However, he is not telling you or me what to do. Only we can make our own choices. But, he can (and actually has a responsibility before God as a bishop to) inform us as to what acts are grave offenses to God and which ones are not. Jesus gave us the Holy Spirit and the Church for this very purpose—to help us discern through the new issues, and especially major decisions, that we would face after the Ascension.

Many complain that the Archbishop’s statements require one to vote solely on the issue of abortion. It’s a fair complaint. Voting for candidates on one-issue is typically not wise. However, when the issue kills 4000 souls in your own country every day, maybe it should be the ONE issue. If civil laws in Nazi Germany upheld the extermination of the Jews, would one be compelled to try to change those laws? What if there were an election and Hitler were running against someone who was anti-extermination? Would it be a sin to vote for Hitler, knowing his stance and his promotion of this agenda? What if you agreed with Hitler on all other issues, including his stance the economy, education, welfare, etc.? Would the holocaust trump all other issues? Catholic theology teaches that abortion is uniquely abhorrent because it is the destruction of innocent human life, and that it should be a top priority and thus trumps all other issues.

Therefore, I claim that Archbishop Burke is not acting like a dictator, but a protector of life. I imagine him like the few who boldly opposed Hitler in Germany during the extermination of Jews. Now, I want to make it clear that I am not accusing Kerry or any other “pro-choice” politicians of being a new Hitler. They did not come up with the idea of abortion, nor are they killing those who oppose their beliefs. However, what I’ve tried to do recently is put myself in their shoes, especially those who claim to be personally pro-life, but do not want to legislate as such. If I had gained any political power in Germany, during the extermination of Jews, and I believed the lives of Jews were valuable, would I just let the killing continue? How about you?

Rage Against the Political Party Machine

Never have I heard a Bishop tell Catholics to vote specifically for Republican or Democrats. They call us to vote pro-life. This is impossible to do perfectly. The vast majority of politicians in both parties are not 100% pro-life, as many Republicans support the death penalty and abortion in rare cases and many Democrats supports abortion on demand. However, the numbers, 1,460,000 (killed by abortion) to 65 (killed by death penalty) each year, give me little indication that the death penalty atrocity even gets close to “trumping” the abortion atrocity in my list of “what’s important when I vote”. Any smart politician would think the same way: A road where 50 deaths occurred in the last year, versus a road where 1 death occurred in the last year – which one would you campaign to fix first and foremost? This is why it just so happens that currently most Republicans come across as more “pro-life” than most Democrats. Most Republicans are defending the lives of almost 1.5 million every year, versus 65 each year. (Statistics for 2003)

As a former public high school government teacher, let me remind you of American political history. Remember the Whigs? I don’t remember much about them either, but they did exist as a major political party in the US. And, did we forget that years ago Republicans were more liberal than Democrats? Parties do and SHOULD evolve. It would be absolutely fantastic if one of the two current major parties (or a new, refreshing party) would rise up as completely pro-life. I give major props to those politicians that keep their 100% pro-life stance even when their party encourages them otherwise. I believe the Archbishop is trying to do the same. In the current system, unfortunately, Democratic candidates can’t go far with “pro-life” in their platform (even though the Republican party has been a bit more flexible—Schwarzenegger and Powell, for example, are “pro-choice” Republicans). So, let’s buck the party expectations and put the inalienable right to LIFE first and foremost on every platform.

Please don’t compare Archbishop Burke’s actions to those of a dictator like Hitler. As you see, he’s trying to do the opposite of Hitler. He’s encouraging us as Catholics to help stop the massacre. When I meet the aborted babies in Heaven (God willing I’ll be there), I want to know I did EVERYTHING I could to fight for their lives. Thank you, Archbishop Burke, for starting this controversial discussion. Maybe one day the people of this country will fully understand the atrocity of abortion.

Burke’s Detailed Article “Catholic Politicians and Bishops”

A Voter’s Guide for Serious Catholics

*Thanks to Paul Masek, who contributed to the development of the analogy of being a voter in Germany.

Mean Girls - Not Me

Heather Gallagher Vento — Fri, 28 May 2004 15:06:48 -0500

While watching the teen flick, “Mean Girls”, I quickly recalled the girls in my high school who were the meanest. I envisioned their faces on the faces of the “plastic” (fake, too much makeup, popular, exclusive)characters in the movie .

Then, in the movie, the plastics did an annual dance routine to “Jingle Bell Rock” and my heart sank. Yes, I did an annual Christmas dance routine to “Jingle Bell Rock” in high school. And, upon more reflection, I realized that I might have been considered “plastic” in high school. I always had on makeup, always had my hair curled (too much most of the time, couldn’t let go of the big hair era), and was in fact a pom pom girl. I stereotyped (great map in the movie on that), gossiped, excluded and talked bad about people, not separating them from their actions.

Denial. We all struggle with it, especially while watching such a movie. We see the mean behavior and think, “Shame on those people.” A teacher explained an 8th grade group of girls to me recently, “They’re the type of girls who will go to see ‘Mean Girls’, think it’s hilarious, and have no idea it’s about them.”

A classic youth ministry scenario: In a normal class with cliques, popular people, loners, kids who are ignored or made fun of, etc., the more “in” crowd announces that their class is so wonderful because everyone gets along. It happened in the movie as well. Don’t we just love the denial?!? If we’re not directly hurt, we forget it happens at all, or that we can possibly be part of the problem.

Maybe I wasn’t the meanest person in school, but no one would define themselves as such. Yet, even my goth, nerd and sexually-active band geek friends (see the movie) were guilty of mean behavior. Even the best youth groups have been criticized for excluding and stereotyping. “Mean Girls” struck me as much more than just about the awful plastics.

I may not wear as much makeup anymore, but I am still have a mean streak that I am not proud of, that flares it’s ugly head more than I’d like to admit. I’d like to say I’m getting better, but I’m taking the movie as a reminder that I still need to grow in how I view, and even participate in, mean behavior.

I'm a Selfish Single

Heather Gallagher Vento — Fri, 07 May 2004 15:48:47 -0500

Have you ever compared vocations?

I will never forget a conversation I had with a friend who had recently left the convent. She was lamenting (to mostly married moms and other single women) about several reasons why life had been difficult in the convent. She couldn’t control when she went to bed, when she got up, when she ate or even what she ate. She couldn’t even control the temperature of her room. For these reasons, among others, she believed she’d be better suited in the married vocation. Then, one of the moms said, “And you think married life is much different?”

That was a wake-up call for me to stop glorifying the married life as if it would be a big love-fest from my husband and kids. Every vocation has its crosses, joys and gifts. When I started comparing my vocation to others’, I realized that my life as a single isn’t all that bad. Actually, it’s pretty cool.

Besides my job demands, I get up when I choose, go to bed when I choose. I watch whatever television I choose, eat whenever and whatever I want, hang out with friends and “fraternize” to my heart’s content. With a roommate, I might compromise here and there, but I still have very few limits or responsibilities in my life. Even my charity work fits nicely into my schedule.

My lifestyle, compared to that of a married parent, priest or religious, is almost like night and day. No wonder it is often a challenge for some singles to make a big jump to a “commitment” these days. No wonder married life is too often considered the “ball & chain”. I’m worried that if I keep up this selfish lifestyle, adjusting to married or religious life will be quite a challenge.

Every human being is tempted to be selfish, but with so much freedom as a single, it’s rather easy to succumb. No one is asking me to take care of them tonight. So I can either take the gift of freedom God has given me and use it to keep my “I need Survivor and 4 evenings a week at home to do nothing” world. Or, I can do everything I can with my gift of freedom to give it back to God. Kids are a gift from God to the married dad, for example. What dad would then use his kids by forcing them to wait on him hand and foot? I sometimes treat God’s gift of freedom in that manner - to take care of #1.

If the body of Christ is truly a body, and each part (or vocation) assists in fulfilling the Church’s mission, then how am I contributing? How am I sacrificing for the Kingdom? Does a mom tell her kids she’ll stop serving at 5 p.m. or only do so once a week? Does she just offer them money, but nothing else? The Church needs singles like a child needs a mom, willing and able to sacrifice not just money, but time, energy and love. This is our call as singles-not necessarily to be “moms” to the church-but to give as a good mom, dad, priest or religious would give. The Kingdom will be less than it could be if we don’t respond.

Admittedly, the single life has sacrifices; there are things we miss out on. We don’t get sex, daily hugs from kids, or a community committed to sharing life with us. However, every vocation has sacrifices. Parents miss ample free time and quiet; the religious miss a committed, exclusive relationship with one individual, etc. God never encourages us, however, to focus on what we’re missing. We’re called to give what we have. As singles, we have a lot of freedom now. And, God calls us to live in the now, not waiting for future “assignments”. Like a mom shouldn’t constantly be waiting for her kids to grow up and move out, I shouldn’t be waiting before I shower my love.

I am challenging myself, along with all other singles that might be like me, to make the most of the freedom God has given us. We’ve been given this time for a reason. Enjoy the freedom, yes (it’s healthy to be selfish from time to time), but then give and give some more, until we have more days in which we feel exhausted, like a mom of 4 kids or the priest of a busy parish.

If I can get to that type of lifestyle, when I’m called to married or religious life, I’ll be ready. Or, even if I never marry or join a religious community, when I’m called home to My Father, I’ll be ready, knowing I tried hard not to waste the gifts I’d been given.