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HN MY BFF
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By Gretchen Pacheco on May 15, 2008 - 10:18am.
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HN MY BFF
Recently I traveled 280 miles to go to a concert. One of my favorite bands, Hawk Nelson, was playing, so we purchased tickets and prepared for our road trip. On a side note, if you’ve been on a retreat with the REAP team in the last couple of years, chances are you’ve heard us playing them. You can check out their music at www.hawknelson.com
Their music rocks and requires you to jump around and I totally love it! (Yes there was crowd surfing and moshing, although not by me-at least not the crowd surfing part) They also have some songs that are a little more mellow and some that can really pull at your heart. I’ve listened to most of their songs hundreds of times (um, that’s what you do with your favorite bands!) During the concert though, I had a unique experience. They played one of my favorite songs, “Everything That You Ever Wanted” and I felt it. You know how you sometimes feel something when you hear a song? Well, I had heard the song, seriously, hundreds of times but this time was different. I had tears welling up in my eyes and I felt some heaviness in my heart, especially when I heard:
I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you
You can read all the lyrics at the end of this post, but it’s about divorce and how people sometimes feel. I identify with all of it, but on this night, this part in particular grabbed hold of me. My parents split when I was 8. I was always trying to be good, no, check that, not just good, the best, perfect. I got good grades, I played sports, I was in drama, editor of the school paper as a junior, the list goes on and on. I don’t recall making a conscious decision to do all these things, but I know now I was influenced by the need to prove myself. I felt that if I was just good enough then people would love me, my dad would love me.
It took me a long time to realize that my dad loved me the best he could. It was less than I needed, less than I deserved, but due to his alcoholism and other factors, it was all he had. It took even longer for me to realize that I had nothing to prove, that I didn’t need to do or be anything in order to be worthy of love because I’m not the one who makes me worthy. God is. God says I’m worthy even when I don’t act like it, even when I make mistakes and screw up.
I forgave my father long ago for the ways he hurt me. I forgave God for not protecting me from the pain I experienced. I’ve opened my life and heart to God’s healing love and the benefits are amazing. I experienced that this past weekend during the concert. I said I felt some heaviness in my heart when I heard the song, and that still happens to me from time to time. Big hurts can be like that. When that happens I have some choices, I can throw a pity party and get angry, I can brush it off and say it’s no big deal or I can say yeah, that sucks, and yes, I forgive you, again.
Hurt and disappointment are a part of life and there’s really nothing we can do about it. The only choices we have are in how we deal with it. I love what Maya Angelou said about healing past hurts, "We cannot change the past, but we can change our attitude toward it. Uproot guilt and plant forgiveness. Tear out arrogance and seed humility. Exchange love for hate —- thereby, making the present comfortable and the future promising." Isn’t that all any of us really need, a life filled with love, a comfortable present and a promising future.As promised, lyrics to Hawk Nelson’s “Everything That You Ever Wanted” enjoy!
"Everything That You Ever Wanted"
I walk the line
Leave it all behind
I've been waiting forever
Lets go back in time
When I could read your mind
Still I've been waiting
It took the seasons going by
To know it’s not my fault
I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you
Its been so long
Since you've been home
I used to wait up forever
I used to say a prayer
Wishing you were there
And I'm still waiting
You told me once
You'd show up
But I fell for that
Before I fell to pieces
Then I woke up
To no one,
Just a picture of Jesus
And a house left in pieces
It took the seasons going by
To know it’s not my fault
I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you
I wanted you
I need you
I want to believe you
I wanted you
I need you
I want to believe you
I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
tried to be everything but you
I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter
Tried to be everything but you