Do You Hate Rules?

Do You Hate Rules? Sexual “rules” are only the beginning - freedom is the result.

This blog is for any teen or young adult who has been frustrated Church or Biblical rules and the lack of freedom they seem to impose.

Are you annoyed by the ridiculous kitchen rule that we can’t put our fingers on a hot stove? Don’t you find it oppressive that we can’t put our hands anywhere in the kitchen that we want to?

Many teens, and even some of my young adult friends, find the teachings of the Church, especially in regards to chastity, to be oppressive. They think, “How stupid that we can’t be sexually active outside of marriage!” Rules stink, right? Well, when was the last time you complained about the rule of not putting your hand on a hot stove? I stopped arguing over that rule when I learned the reason behind it (ouchie!). All of a sudden, it wasn’t so much of a rule as it was natural cause and effect. My parents really love me, and don’t want me to get burned. Some of us come to this realization about the stove from watching others get burned, but most of us have to get burned personally before it clicks. Unfortunately, far too few people trust the advice of people who really love them.

The “rules” of chastity are similar. They start out as rules. They may seem oppressive and restrictive. Then, over time, if we keep our eyes and hearts open we learn the simple cause and effect realities of sex outside of marriage. Eventually, the “rules” of chastity don’t seem like rules at all, like the stove “rule”. We no longer have the desire to get burned or even see people we love get burned. Then, and not until then, we find true freedom – freedom to not get burned, but also freedom to not worry about “rules”.

Moving from rules to freedom is a process. We can’t get to freedom by throwing off the rules, but we must go through them. Let me describe, through my own life, this crazy process of finding freedom.

Stage 1 Poor Matt. I dated a guy (we’ll call him Matt) on and off for 3 years. When I first heard the word chastity, I didn’t really know what it meant. I didn’t live it very well. I enjoyed the immediate “freedom” of doing some sexual things with Matt. Physically, things were good, but other than that – the relationship was completely empty. We didn’t build a friendship. I liked Matt’s physical interest in me because that was the only attention I could get from him. I didn’t know the real teachings of the Church on chaste relationships or that anything better existed.

Stage 2 I started learning more about chastity and even told Matt about my discoveries. He wasn’t thrilled. Yet my decision seemed firm for me, based on a desire for respect, love, peace and freedom - the “prizes” I assumed would surface soon after living chastely for a while. In this commitment to chastity, I decided I would not do certain physical things that I had formerly done. These were rules to me. And, they felt like rules - not fun or freeing. I certainly did not enjoy those moments of telling Matt, “NO!” And, the poor guy had to live through my interior struggle – my body and heart saying, “I do want this”; my mind and soul saying, “I don’t want this”. Both of us left those nights upset. Where’s the freedom in this chaos? Where’s the love in saying, “no”? Where’s the peace and respect? But, thanks be to God, the story is not over.

Stage 3 I had to let go of my relationship with Matt. Actually, he let go of me. I have a good feeling that he got sick of the “rules”. I don’t blame him at all. What a mess I was! Yet, all the freedom and peace didn’t then just magically appear. I missed him and there are still days I miss him – a physical relationship has a way of keeping hold of you. The prizes didn’t come merely from my good choices – to commit to chastity or officially move away from Matt; they came over time. In the years after Matt, I continued to learn more about chastity. I met some strong men of faith and chastity. I dated guys in more of a friendship capacity – focused on getting to know them personally and light physical affection. I prayed more. I sought the face of Christ more than the comfort of some guy’s arms. It has taken time, but I finally know what it means to be free, have peace, respect and love.

I have had some darn cool relationships with guys over the past few years. I put my head down on my pillow every night with complete peace of mind. Do you know how great that feels? I love it!!! Wouldn’t trade one moment of this for empty or temporary sexual fulfillment. I dated a guy recently who had sex in past relationships. When we started talking about dating, he showed how much he cared for me by saying he wouldn’t dare try to push sex in our relationship. He knew where it led him in the past. He wanted complete respect for himself, his relationship with God and for me. He wasn’t talking out of “rules”. He had experienced true freedom, too! He was free to love purely.

This doesn’t mean my desire for sexual union has diminished - it’s actually increased as I learn more about the power and beauty of sex. But my desire to misuse sex is what has diminished. I very much so desire to give myself entirely to a man, as sex is created to be an entire gift of self in the commitment of marriage. I do not desire to “loan” myself to a guy for the night or months that we’re together. Temptations for sexual things will be present as I move toward marriage with a boyfriend, but I pray that by the grace of God, my desire to value sex and love him purely will trump my desires for immediate attention and fulfillment.

Bob’s Idea of Freedom Some people call freedom “the ability to do whatever you want whenever you want to do it”. However, that mentality often brings enslavement to the consequences of our actions. I see this version of freedom (which our culture highly values) more like a freedom to use and abuse whatever and whoever works for us at the time. Bob (my good friend) threw me for a loop recently, however, when he said, “True freedom is eventually getting to the place where you can do whatever you want whenever you want to do it. Here’s how: if we get so close to the heart of Christ (who is love), if we learn to love as he loves, we will desire to only do loving things.”

I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart. –Psalm 40:8

Love, and do what you like. –St. Augustine